If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
