So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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