Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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