is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
