he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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