drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
