I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
