My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
