What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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