i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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