Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
