you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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