I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
