I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You need Xanax blowdarts
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
