your room smells of hookers.
And success
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
