Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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