Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this just has baby written all over it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
