I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
