we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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