Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
