K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Sorry about my life...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
