Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
