No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Less talking, more tequila
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
