atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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