she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
