Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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