I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
