new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
