Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
