i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
