So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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