I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
