Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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