So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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