I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize