It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
