If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
