woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
