Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
