i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
