Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
