What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
