She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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