i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Even my vagina gasped.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
