she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
