After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
