I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
