I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Randomize
