Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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