I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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