Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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