he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
