Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
