She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
