Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
