you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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