Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
