dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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