I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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