Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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