My hand turned me down
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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