i think my tv is drunk
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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