Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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