Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
