someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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