You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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